Scoot Commute

The Death of Strongbow

Posted in Alcohol, Utter nonsense by sbahn on 2014/04/03

I arrived home tonight to a very serious looking boyfriend. He uttered these words:

I have very bad, life-changing news.

My first thought was that his library was closing or having a major reduction in hours, and he was going to be laid off.

But no…it’s worse.

The geniuses at Heineken have fucked with one of the best ciders on the market. How? you ask. By bringing out two new ciders, the one which I tasted being sickeningly sweet, to appeal to fucking urban hipstahs who have no appreciation for true alcoholism.

The genius part? Pulling the ORIGINAL recipe off the market.

Why? Why would you do this? Largest market share in the global market so yeah, let’s stop making the product and bring out something sweeter.

Wanna make a lot of money? Produce a good-quality dry cider in quantities large enough to support the market.

Case of Strongbow in the milkcrate of my Buddy

Case of Strongbow in the milkcrate of Franz Biberkopf

Cats, including Domino in a Strongbow box

Cats, including Domino in a Strongbow box


And I absolutely LOVE the marketing profile of the Strongbow drinker.

Strongbow consumers live their lives in a natural, effortless way, and appreciate authentic experiences and moments with friends. They love the outdoors but also love the city, where they seek their own ‘urban orchards’: places where nature meets the upbeat metro pace, and real conversations happen. From parks and patios to deck bars and street festivals, those urban orchard locations are meant to enjoy a Strongbow poured over ice.

Seriously? Cider was what the drunks drank. Now it’s come out of the shadows and they have to fuck it up with sugar. Some of us drunks just want our dry, crisp intoxicant.


12 Responses

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  1. cheesebot said, on 2014/04/03 at 9:32 pm


  2. Rolando Peñate said, on 2014/04/04 at 4:49 pm

    Hipstahs hate sweet ciders too! My impression is that they’re intended for the ‘malternative’ (read: young female) audience. Have you tried Crispin Lansdowne or Crispin Saint?

  3. John said, on 2014/04/17 at 4:16 pm

    Have you tried Harpoon, Woodchuck, or Angry Orchard?

    • sbahn said, on 2014/04/17 at 6:00 pm

      Harpoon and Woodchuck are nasty sweet. I won’t drink ’em.

      Right now, Angry Orchard is in the running as a daily tipple. I wish we got Original Sin in Rhode Island.

      • John said, on 2014/04/17 at 6:32 pm

        Stella Cidre?

  4. sbahn said, on 2014/04/17 at 7:31 pm

    I’ll drink the Stella when I’m camping in CT ‘cos that’s the best they have at the local packie. But it has a weird aftertaste. I usually only have a few at camp and then turn to the bourbon :)

    • John said, on 2014/04/18 at 1:07 pm

      What about Redd’s or Johnny Appleseed?

      • sbahn said, on 2014/05/05 at 8:11 pm

        Not a fan of Redd’s, and haven’t tried Johnny Appleseed.
        I’m trying to get Blackthorn at my local packie. It wouldn’t be a bad alternative.
        I tried some really nice cider from upstate New York that one of the guys at the Pachaug Camp N Ride gave me. It was nice and dry, but not gettable in Rhode Island, sadly.

  5. John said, on 2014/05/11 at 9:59 am

    Sounds like an excuse for a ride, then! :D

    • sbahn said, on 2014/05/11 at 7:12 pm

      Which is exactly what I did today! Purrrrrrfect weather, purrrrrrfect group, purrrrrrfect ride!

  6. lumeoinc said, on 2014/08/09 at 5:05 pm

    Magners, another irish cider, is pretty good. Up there with stella and what was formerly known as strongbow. Long live the king. Death to Heineken!

    • sbahn said, on 2014/08/12 at 8:12 am

      Too funny. I find Magners a bit too sweet. I’ve been able to get my hands on Blackthorn, which is proving to be the best of the alternatives. But even the Blackthorn recipe tastes like it’s been sweetened up. I just wish we could get Stag in the US.

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